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Parenting Information |
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Raising Strong Daughters
When my daughter was born, I must admit there wasa distinctly different feeling to it. Part of me was thrilled, but part of me was unsure of how to deal with a gender I still couldn't quite understand. When my son was born, there was a clear sense thatthis was territory that I knew: there will bewrestling, playing ball together, playing withcars and, he has a penis! There was a sense ofsecurity from all of this and a deep sense ofknowing. Raising a daughter creates different issues formany fathers; it is even more challengingconsidering the cultural landscape that existstoday. To better understand these issues, it is helpfulto explore the expectations of girls that we haveas fathers, many of which may be expectationshanded down from our own fathers. Some men feel a strong need to control theirdaughters, and expect them to act "nice" at alltimes. Others shower their daughters with all of thegifts and "things" that they'll ever need, seeingthem as weaker than boys (therefore notencouraging strength and discipline in them). It's easy for fathers to treat their sons anddaughters differently. They can berough-and-tumble with their sons?but treat theirdaughters with kid gloves. This opportunity towrestle or to play physically with your daughtersis extremely important, because it shows them thatyou believe they are capable enough to handle it.(If your daughter is eighteen, it's probably not agood idea to start now.) The cultural messages we get are that girls andyoung women are valued for being beautiful, thin,talented, etc. Girls should also be happy,agreeable and eager to please. This culturalbackdrop may be partly responsible for thealarming statistics concerning rates ofdepression, anorexia, bulimia, and other disorders for girls when they are approaching or have entered their teen years. So how can fathers overcome some of these Barriers and help create daughters who becomestrong, secure women? If fathers want their daughters to grow up to bestrong and secure women, it is absolutelyessential that they like women and that theyrespect them. No matter how negative and pervasive the culturalmessages are, your daughter's self-esteem isgreatly impacted by your attitude. If fathersthink that women are weaker and need protection,they will tend to raise daughters who are weak anddependent. To a significant degree, your daughter's successin life and in love is in your hands. As fathers go through the process of raisingdaughters, they may have to question everythingthey thought they knew about the sexes and thedifference between men and women. How is it thatyou learn about these things? You learn by allowing your daughters to teach youabout them every day. You learn by not attemptingto control or protect your daughters. You learn byopening up your hearts, and not having the answersall of the time for your daughters (or your sons). If you can allow your daughters to enjoy beingfemale as much as you enjoy being male, you'vetaken a big first step. If you can also allow yourdaughter to make most of her own decisions, youwill probably enjoy a great relationship with her.You will also know a lot more about women than youdid before. Here are some action points for fathers with theirdaughters: ? Fully explore your expectations for yourdaughter. See where you may be too controlling inher life, or are overly protecting her. ? Create special times with your daughter eachweek, one-on-one, when you can ask her questions about her life and become more fully aware of who she is. Make this time sacred and let her know it's important to you. ? Expect your daughter to be strong and competent; she'll know that you do and will respond accordingly. ? If your daughter is a teen-ager or close to it,explore your attitude about your daughter's sexuality; many fathers are uncomfortable with this and leave their daughters emotionally when they need them the most. ? Be a great model for how men treat women inyour relationship with your wife. ? Talk to other fathers who have had daughters,and find out how they have dealt with the challenges of raising a daughter. Your daughter is depending on your healthyattitude to help her to navigate a culture that isnot always positive for girls. Take a step back and examine your view towardswomen and girls. Are there changes you want tomake? Your daughter will help you to make those changesif you'll just listen. Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches busy parents byphone to balance their life and improve their familyrelationships. For a FREE twenty minute sample session by phone; ebooks, courses, articles, and a FREE newsletter, go to http://www.markbrandenburg.com or email him at mark@markbrandenburg.com.
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