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Parenting Information |
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Bad Boys/Good Boys (Avoiding The Pitfalls Of Being An Insensitive Dad)
I WAS AMAZED I could hardly believe what I was hearing. A father andhis son had entered the men's room. While I was washing myhands, I listened as the father wielded a series ofdemanding and demeaning statements at his son as if theywere swords in a battle for ... who knows what? And all about going to the bathroom quickly! It was the perfect victory. The enemy (the son) had beenslain. The battle was won. The general had summoned hisone-man army to do his bidding. It was also totally and completely ridiculous. There wasno consideration for the feelings or physical needs ofthe young person. The "bad boy" had won the day -- and the bad boy was notthe son. It was the son's insensitive dad. I WAS SADDENED AND ANGRY This incident occurred while on vacation. I loved vacationexcept for one aspect: watching fathers deal with theirchildren. I was sad. And I was angry. The "interesting" thing was that when I related thisobservation to my daughter and son-in-law, they proceededto share with me *their* same discouragement while they wereon a recent trip to a theme park. Their message was the same: "We had a great time.The only discouraging thing wasseeing dads with their children." I AGREE: IT'S NOT EASY I am a father and I would be among the first to declare thatraising children is not an easy task. Parts of it are rough. Real rough. I would also be quick to admit the times I have failed as afather. But I do hope that no one has ever said this about me afterobserving my relationship with either my children or grand-children: "We saw the most discouraging thing today. This guy was a jerk. The way he treated those kids wasawful. No respect. No honor. Only demands and unrealistic expectations. I tell ya,it was sad." WE KNOW THERE IS A BETTER WAY Let me be quick to add: all is not bad. I have seen manyloving, caring fathers throughout the years. I *love*watching those types of dads relate to their children. Itis one of my personal delights in life With that in mind, I am offering a few simple suggestionsfor a better way: a better way for fathers to relate totheir children than the two negative examples I have sharedwith you. I will center my suggestions on five themes: 1. Consideration Two comments as I transition into my suggestions: *You will quickly discover that this will not be a longand drawn out discussion of these themes. Enjoy. *Many of the points will be shared through using simple"affirmations" -- or descriptive comments if youplease. These affirmations will help you personalizewhat is said. So... We have discussed a few of the "bad boy" characteristics. Let's turn our attention to five characteristics of the"good boys." That is, men who are determined *not* to bethought of as "one of those insensitive dads." CONSIDERATION Consideration says... "I adjust my expectations according to the needs, maturitylevel and emotional capabilities of the child I am relatingto at the moment." Because of the important aspects of the statement you justread, I'm going to repeat it and break it down for you. That's my part. Yours will be to reflect on each aspect as you read it onemore time. Reflect on it through the lens of how you wouldhave liked to be treated as a young-person-in-the-making. "I adjust RESPECT Respect says... "I see this person entrusted to my care as one who is worthyof my honor, approval and love." This mental stance provides for me a frame. A frame I wraparound my child *to begin with.* The child is worthy of myhonor, approval and love -- from the beginning. It is a part of the package each child should *sense* in mefrom "Day One" so-to-speak. HUMILITY Humility says... "Because I am still learning, I give my child space and timeto learn." "Because I still fail, I forgive and support my child whenhe or she fails." "Because I respond poorly when people are angry with me forreasons I do not understand, I resist all uncontrolled andself-centered anger when dealing with my child." COMPASSION Compassion says... "I am a 'show and tell' person. *I show my child I care. "I strive to be gentle, not harsh." "I care and my child senses it." LOVE Love says... all of the above. A DISCLAIMER Let me make something perfectly clear: children can -- anddo -- hurt their parents. Good parents. Parents who in a very real sense lay downtheir lives for their kids and still get kicked in the gutswhile trying to help their children be happy and succeed inlife. These parents know a special kind of pain. A pain that noone really wants to understand. I salute those parents. You may be one of them. So my disclaimer is... *I realize this is a two-sided fence *My purpose is not to add guilt to a consciencealready plagued by the "Why's" of their child'sbad attitudes and behavior -- in spite of hundredsof hours of trying to do what's right. Rather, if you happen to be one of those parents --and especially a dad since that is the topic of thesecomments -- I want you to hear these words: "I thank you for trying." I thank you for trying and for the lonely hoursyou have spent that only you, and possibly yourspouse -- and God -- knows about... The tears. The heartache and the pain that goeson and on as each new report surfaces about someaction or attitude your child has displayed." For those times, tears and heartache -- I reflectto you my appreciation. And I'm sure Irepresent only one of many voices that wouldecho the same to you if they could. Therefore, review these comments and take noteof each positive thing you have done. Take abow. You deserve it." Yours for a day filled with beautiful moments in time, Lee © Lee Wise All rights reserved. You may freely distribute this article. The copyright and this resource box must be included. How much is A Beautiful Moment In Time worth to you? Stop by and see! Go to -> http://www.motivation-for-daily-living.net
MORE RESOURCES:
Interaction of Parenting Experiences and Brain Structure in the ... - Archives of General Psychiatry
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